Axiom's Edge Science Fiction and Fantasy

By Sam Christopher

Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars

One of the nice things about being deathly ill (okay, so it’s not really that bad even though there were times you couldn’t have convinced me of that) is the chance to meet people outside one’s normal sphere. One of the other patients at the “IA Parties” (Intravenous Antibiotics) has become a pretty good buddy. We went to see Zombieland and Paranormal Activity together (and he scared the daylights out of a couple teenage girls sitting behind us at the end of PA, after the screen went dark) and I’m reasonably sure we’ll see some other stuff together in the future. And then there is the doctor’s staff, one of which leant to me and talked me into watching the film that is the subject of this review. We’ll call her “Felicia” (because that’s her name). I think Felicia’s main job at the doctor’s office is to make the patients feel at ease. She’s very nice (except when she pulls tape off of you—whew!) and easy to get along with. Don’t get me wrong, everyone at this doctor’s office is great, and I do mean everyone. But Felicia’s in a category all her own in the “up” department, always smiling (especially when pulling tape off of you) and positive, which can’t be easy with nothing but sick people around all the time. Sick people moaning and groaning—except for me, of course, I’m always a joy to be around when I’m sick.

But back to the review at hand. One of the first things I remember hearing Felicia talk about around the office was the new Twilight: New Moon sequel coming out, and when she heard that I review things like this she asked me what I thought of Twilight. I said I’d never seen it; after all, I’m not a 14-year-old girl. She told me I should really give it a chance and I reiterated that I was the wrong age and sex to be interested in a teen love story masquerading as a vampire film. But she was fairly persistent so I decided to give it a watch, not expecting much at all from it. But, I told myself, I’d never watched any of the Harry Potter films either and I enjoyed this latest one enough to want to see the earlier ones. So she brought me the two-disc version (I think it was the “Edward Makes Me Swoon” Special Edition, but I’m not sure) and I took it home. Now, I’d like to point out here that I’ve never had anyone over the age of 16 tell me this was a good film (other than Paul on this site who was dragged to see it by his—you guessed it—daughter, and he just said it was better than he expected). In the way of a review here I can only say– again– I am simply not the target audience for this picture. I don’t read romance novels, and I don’t watch romance films for the most part. That takes care of the story. I also thought the acting was pedestrian. But the film isn’t bad, I just don’t think it’s very good. A verdict, by the way, which will deter not a single teen from dragging their father to see the sequels (they already have the third film planned for release next June, I believe), nor anyone who does enjoy romance pictures from seeing what is ostensibly a “Smallville-ized” version of Dark Shadows.

The whole story revolves around a “coven” of vampires that apparently settled in the area that became Forks, Wa., after reaching an uneasy non-aggression pact with the local Amerinds who are descended from the vampire’s natural enemy, the werewolf (which doesn’t remind anyone of Underworld, I guess). All of this is explained in the film by Jacob Black, a local teen (more on him below). A high school girl, Bella, moves to town from Phoenix, Az. and falls madly in love with the centuries-old teen vamp, Edward Cullen. He intros her to his “family” of “vegetarian vampires”, so-called because they only drink animal blood (has PETA heard about these folks yet?) and they proceed to have a family outing consisting mostly of a baseball game until three nomadic vamps show up. These new vamps are real predators which have no compunctions about murdering people and Bella and Edward end up on the run… And I won’t say anymore simply because if something about Twilight: New Moon, or even the next one Twilight: Eclipse, catches your fancy you should watch this film.

And if you’ve seen the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” shirts and such around now you understand. I saw one somewhere that explains my position better than I can: I’m Team Dracula, because Vampires Don’t Sparkle.

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